I'm not going to become a veterinarian. At best I think I might be a vet technologist (a 4 year degree). I'm not going to be able to memorize everything for my anatomy class or any of the in depth things I'll be expected to do as a pre-major. I barely think I'm smart enough to be a technologist, but I'm just saying it to get my grandparents off my back (I don't want them to talk about the family 'disappointment', even though it's what I am.
I've let don't every single teacher I've ever had, every teacher that thought or said that I was going on to 'better things'. It's not true, maybe it was at some point in the past, but it's not now. I'm a fucking disappointment, a mistake. I don't belong in this program, or this school at all, maybe not any school. Despite what everyone has disillusioned themselves with, I'm not smart. I'm not smart enough to be a vet and I don't have a "bright future". I'm just a fucking waste.
My mom wants me to take some career aptitude tests, just to see. I'll try doing them later.
The only other thing I'm slightly ok at is art, and my mom doesn't want me to go into that fully, for stability reasons. But if I don't do vet or art, then there's nothing left of me. I've forgotten most of what I learned of Spanish, and I don't like anything else. I'm not good enough to do anything. I'm sorry if this journal is whiny, I'll probably delete it later. But when I try to talk I start crying so no one can understand me and I'm fucking sick of the way my family responds to me, "everybody feels like this, you're so smart you can do anything", but they won't stop lying to me no matter how much I beg them to stop. If I wanted somebody to tell me that I'm smart, I'll just ask them or something, I'm not fishing for compliments, this is how I honestly feel and no one telling me the opposite is going to make me feel better.
I really wish I was better than this, but I'm just not and never will be.
I might just drop out and a get a job for a few years to pay off this loan, then maybe go back after they're paid off. I don't know.
I wish I was stronger and smarter, then I could fight for what this, but I'm not even sure I want it anymore. I don't really want anything anymore, I just wish I wasn't here.
I'm sorry for sounding like a dick, and I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better artist or friend or anything. One day I'll try to be,
I just don't even know what to do right now, I've never felt this empty and angry at myself. I've lied to myself for 14 years, thinking I could do it, thinking it was what I wanted. Everything's beginning to hurt too. I cut my arm badly a month or so ago, and it looks like it's going to scar. Two days ago I got something removed at a doctors office, and I had an awful panic attack (throwing up, I passed out then I was deaf for a few minutes). I can't sleep right, or eat well, I don't even know. I just wish I had time to make myself better, I wish I was better. I love you guys so much, and I just can seem to stop failing you, I'm so sorry
I'll try to update if anything changes, or if I come up with a new plan for transferring or something